"Dating Secret Exposed: Why Nice Guys Finish LastWhy this hit home with me is because I had a hard fast rule about dating for many years, and that was not to take it seriously. I knew from a young age that I never wanted to get married before I turned 30, so every relationship I got in, or more accurately "pseudo-relationship" I got in, I knew would never last because I wouldn't let it get that far. This is mainly due to watching my parents get divorced, and then later my siblings also falling into that same cycle. I just never wanted anything to do with it. You see, marriage doesn't scare me, but a bad marriage does!! I know, I know, you can't predict good from bad, especially when you go into it for all the right reasons.
By April Masini Special to Yahoo! Personals Updated: Jun 20, 2008Are you a nice guy who has always wondered why the cocky guy -- the one who barely appears interested in the girl -- is usually the one who gets the girl?
Have you suffered from hearing the words, "You're a really nice guy, but I only like you as a friend," from a woman who you would do (or may, in fact, have already done) just about anything and everything for -- only to turn around and watch her date (or even chase) a guy who treats her like she's nothing special? And are you stumped wondering why she would date a guy who treats her like that when she could have you who would treat her like a princess and give her everything she wants? Well, you better brace yourself because I'm going to tell you a couple of secrets that you might not want to hear.
First, "nice" equates with boring and predictable. Look up "nice" in the dictionary and you find: pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. In other words, average -- not exceptional, not exciting, and not sexy. I’ll bet you've never heard a woman say she didn't want to date a guy because he was too confident, too passionate, or too exciting -- have you? But, I'll bet you have heard women say things like, "He's such a nice guy. He's so sweet and he's always there for me, but I only like him as a friend." Or, "He's such a good guy -- kind, thoughtful, generous, honest, loyal -- but there's no chemistry. He just doesn't turn me on." Sadly, I hear it all the time. The fact is, Mr. Nice Guy, you cannot bore a woman into feeling attracted to you or into wanting to date you. And as obvious as that sounds, if you are one of those guys I described that is exactly what you are trying to do. And it won't work.
Please understand that I am not suggesting that you mistreat women or disrespect them in any way. What I suggesting is that you value and respect yourself more.
To illustrate what I mean: The answer to the question, "Why does the guy who doesn't appear to care as much about the girl get the girl?" is simple: The nice guy cares too much, too soon. He has made the woman too important and too valuable and it shows in everything he says and does. He is too available, too eager to please, too accommodating, and he gives too much -- all without getting anything in return. By doing so, he has made himself appear desperate, insecure, needy of this woman's attention, affection, and approval -- and he has stripped himself of any value in her eyes. After all, if he's already doing and giving everything, without her doing or giving anything - why would she value him? She won't. She is not going to value him any more than he values himself. What she is going to do is look for someone else, someone who she perceives as being more worthy, more confident, and more valuable.
It works like this: Once you need something, or you want it too badly, you forfeit your strength and lose all power of negotiation. You are in a position of weakness and you are perceived as weak. Someone (or something) else is in control of you, the situation, and it's outcome. Men in this situation appear to be anything but confident, strong, and exciting. More, they are perceived as being unworthy and as lacking value.
Translation: Things that are easily acquired, obtained, or maintained, without any effort or sacrifice, lack value... it's human nature.
The secret to why the cocky guy wins with women, over the nice guy, is that he is perceived as being a stronger, more confident guy with more value. How? He never invests everything -- his entire being, ego, and self-worth in what one woman's response or reaction to him is. He doesn't gush with compliments; he isn't always available; he doesn't give too much; and he knows he isn't going to die if a woman says "no" to him. More, his attitude is, yeah, I'd like to go out with you, but if I can't, that's OK -- I'm a busy guy, with exciting things going on, and lots of other options."
Going back to the article above, before I turned 30 I was your typical jerk when it came to dating. I was cold, insensitive, aloof, and just plain arrogant. Not only that, but at the time I had a series of shitty jobs that didn't pay well, so I lived in some crappy apartments and had the attitude to match. Despite all this, I was always a bit on the shy side as well, and that seemed to make me come across as even more difficult to get close to. The surprising part of all this? Women LOVED me! It wasn't uncommon to go on a date with one girl, and then have her friend(s) flirting with me the whole time. So I soaked it all in like any good jerk would who didn't take any of it too seriously. I even went out with a few of those friends on the side...
Once I turned 30, I knew I was ready to settle down, and as luck would have it, I met someone who I respected and admired. She was wonderful! What I didn't count on was after years of being a dick, it was hard to suddenly change. Don't get me wrong, I did my best and I always treated her with respect and admiration, but I was still emotionally distant. A part of me had shut down over the years, and opening it back up was proving more difficult than I imagined. Perhaps it was karma, but she decided she needed someone more emotionally open and moved on, breaking my once cold heart as she left.
Fast forward another year, and I meet someone else. By all obvious signs, she could finally be "the one," and now I was even more ready to settle down, having learned from my mistakes from my last relationship. Now I was open, honest, emotionally charged up, and ready to accept the future. This time, I was no longer the jerk of the past, but now I was the nice guy that I thought every woman wanted and needed. We even moved in together, something I had never done in the past. But everything would soon change.
Despite my past actions, I never abused anyone. Not physically or emotionally. Instead, however, I would end up being on the receiving end of it. Watching a beautiful, intelligent, artistic woman go from all smiles and a bubbly personality, to fists and flying objects is not a pretty sight at all. It was when the knives and the gun came into play that I had had enough. I've always wondered why women stay in abusive relationships, but then again, I stayed in mine for 1 1/2 years, so who am I to judge?
So from personal experience, it leaves me trying to figure out just what to do. When I was the jerk, I was popular, but only for short term relationships. When I was the nice guy, I was abused and cheated on. Of course now that I'm over 30 and ready for a longer term relationship, there are less fish in the sea. There has to be a happy medium somewhere, but so far I haven't found it.
All of this makes me thankful for one thing...a fridge full of cold beer! ;-)
